Oh Ouch, My Heart!!

My cutie pie called me last night. The last two days on the phone I've heard his little voice crack and then come the tears. He misses his mommy, and of course, I miss him too, but one of us has to keep it together. The little guy can't think that mommy's falling apart too. From what the fam says he is 100% fine untill he hears his mommies voice. Last night he pleaded with me: 'mom, can't you go get on the plane now and come see me?'. Kids have no concept of distance and airline ticket rules which make it all the more difficult to explain, but it's going to be okay. I will be seeing him tomorrow at 1pm. I think our hearts can make it one more day.
Oh, the despair of imagining a time when the hugs grow farther apart, and his little voice doesn't crack because he misses me. Thoughts like that are not good for a time like this. For now, I will just get as many hugs as possible and soak in every time the little man says 'I love you mom!'
Hello Tomorrow, I am so excited to see you!!!

Going With the Flow

My mind has been so restless with questions and wanderings about the future lately. What's coming Lord? What's coming Lord? WHAT'S COMING LORD? (I'm telling you: God really doesn't need a hearing aid-- His hearing is perfect.) I'm so thankful that the Lord does not get annoyed and run away, but also know that God only answers what He knows we need answers to, and strictly on His time table. I have also come to believe that multiple choice questions may not be from the Lord. We give Him our lists of questions and say "Okay God, is it A or B?", and then when we hear nothing then ALL has failed. We are a silly people, but still amazingly loved by an awesome God!!

This morning I finally woke up!! Literally, and in a totally new deeper 'awake' way all at the same time. I'm spending all this time asking questions instead of just enjoying the journey. God is obviously not going to answer my many questions right now, and for some reason there are things that simply must wait. The only question that really matters right now is 'Will I trust Him?', and I believe that I have decided that I don't really have a choice, but if I did I would still choose trust. He has never failed me, never disappointed me, and definitely never abandoned me. He has done and will continue to do everything He says He is going to do, and I don't have to understand it! (EXHALE!!) I really really don't!!

This morning the Lord reminded me of a vision (picture in my head) He had given me years ago. I was floating down a river. At some points the river was calm and it was safe to stand and check out the surroundings, and at the same time look a little ahead to see what was down stream. At other times the waters became rapids taking me down scary turns and jostling me to what felt like my sure death; what is coming? am I going to hit a rock, or tumble down a waterfall with sharp rocks at the bottom? what if I end up down a wrong stream and lost from the place I belong? when will the rapids end and I find rest? At those times I am desperate to attempt to stand and try to see ahead, just a small attempt to protect myself from what may or may not be coming, but sure enough standing would only cause me to lose strength, and be beaten by the very waves that are taking me exactly where I am suppose to be.

When the waters get ruff and the turns get scary there is no other position to be except prostrate before the Lord; keeping our focus up to higher places, to a MORE sure face. His-- The Director of the RIVER!! The Waters Himself.

I don't know what's ahead but He calls Himself Good and the works He does are also named the same: Good!!

Help me Lord to keep my focus on You. To not self protect but believe that You are taking me exactly where You want me to be, and if it leads to any death it will be the death of the thing that no longer needs to haunt me-- fear.

Singletonville Episode 2

God is so good! I have some friends from church that own a beautiful house in the country with a gorgeous underground pool. Well, they have gone on vacation for the week and guess who's been asked to water the flowers and make sure the pool is being used? Yes! You're right! Me!!! So, the last 3 days ,after getting off of work, I've been packing my tanning lotion(with 12 spf ), my towel, journal, and of course The word, putting my swimming suit on and driving myself to my very own personal retreat!!

Oh, you better not minimize my blessing! God definitely worked out them going on this trip the same week that I happened to be all alone. Yes, He really did!!!

It has been such a blessing to just be with Him. We're not always saying a lot and honestly my face hasn't been glued to the word (even though I do really love His word), we've just been hanging out together. Nothing is better then friendship with the Lord!! I'm amazed at His desire to be with me, and the amazing rest and peace that comes from being with Him, and how it never gets old, it's always fresh and new; every single time!!

Today, in the land of Singletonville, all is well. Do I miss my son? Yes. Do I want a husband? Yes., Am I enjoying and rejoicing in today? Oh YEAH!!

I love you Lord and You satisfy me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Radical Dependency

We all have something in us that pulls us towards a dependency on something or someone else. Why is this? Even the most independant woman will find herself in a position of dependency in some area of her life. No matter how hard we fight against it we can catch ourselves so easily becoming dependent on another person, food, our jobs, almost anything that, for a moment, makes us feel satisfied.
I believe that the Lord has shown me that He has created us with a need, a need that must be satisfied, but can only be satisfied by Him, and when that dependency doesn't belong to Him we will intrap ourselves in it somewhere else. Our fight against that need, that dependency, only leads us in a deeper dependency of something temporary, and in most cases, unsafe or unhealthy. We must allow Him to be our ALL in every area of our lives. We are designed to be dependent on something, but that dependancy can seldom be shared-- we cannot have two masters!
My prayer today is that I will allow the Lord to have ALL my need, ALL my dependency. That other people or things would not be were I place that part of me. I don't want to fight it because it is a losing battle. He has created us to be dependent, because of His desire to be our Everything.
So the question is 'Will we let Him?'
Chemical dependency, a need for a substance so strong that it becomes necessary to have this substance to function properly: He is our substance to function! That is radical dependency!

Singletonville Episode 1

Okay, so this is life with no kid AND no husband (In absolutely no particular order; because I can):

I caught myself daydreaming while brushing my teeth this morning that today would be the magical day the man that God has for me finally crosses my path, and I just want to say to myself 'that is okay'. Yep.

I had a chicken salad sandwich for dinner; my son hates chicken salad. No complaints for dinner that night.

I ran in and out of the grocery store-- WITH EASE-- oh yeah!!

I stayed out until 11:30 at Brandy's house and felt all rebellious driving home SO late.

Sunday, after driving back from Nashville, I had a three hour nap! Yes, you read correct, 3 hours!! I was told yesterday though that, that really isn't a nap. (Hmmm, I think I will make up a random name for sleepy times over 1 hour in the middle of the day. We should call them sleeping sabbaticals: make a note of that so you can use it if you ever get to have one.)

Also, on Sunday, I watched 3 back to back episodes of My Name is Earl. Now that, my friend, was a good time of spacing out, brain dead laughter-- much needed at times peeps!!
DON'T JUDGE ME!! (fyi: line from first season)

Best of all, I had an awesome time with Jesus on my drive back from Nashville. He was so near to me all the way home. I really felt Him stirring in me an excitement of these coming weeks alone, like He has a really special treasure for me to unwrap, that can only be givin' with just me and Him. Exciting stuff!!
My soul wait silently for God alone for my expectation comes from Him. Psalms Something.
I truly am expectant of the Lord for His great promises and blessings during this season. He is so good ALL THE TIME!!

Oh, and Matthew is having a blast with the fam in MO which you know greatly helps me just to relax and enjoy myself too!!!

Good stuff!!!!

Where ya been?

A 'comment question' definitely worth addressing, and well Kim (and anyone else that may be wonding) I don't really know. I think my brain may be a little sunfried, but I feel a healing coming on, a refreshing flood of peace and clarity. Wow, I think this will be good for ALL that are around me, whether they be bloggers, and you know, those 'other' people. Thanks, 29 hours and counting... , for being so real. This blog really opened my eyes to the reason for my fast pace and busyness; my cutie pie is leaving soon too; of course I speak of my son Matthew. This weekend we will be heading up to Nashville to meet my mom. He will be spending two weeks of the summer with her. I know that he will have a blast, but what the heck will I do? Well, I think that's a good ending question for this blog. How about some creative, healthy, fun ideas for what the mom with no kids should do for two whole weeks?

The silly masks we hide behind.

I think you get the picture!

Beach Bummin' it!!

So, me and my son are heading to Hilton Head tomorrow, and I thought you might want a detailed layout of what we will be doing: Laying on the beach (including sleeping), and playing on the beach, and, well, that's all, and if that doesn't sound like fun to you I don't really know what to say. Lots and lots of love and some sun too!Bye!