Okay, 3 times I have typed something. 3 times I have deleted what I typed. All times I tried to type something that maybe could sound intelligent, or balanced, or spiritual, and I'm not there today. Today was hard. Yesterday was hard. Lately, I've really felt like I just need some help, I don't know what exactly that would look like, but that has been my hearts cry: 'God will you please help me?' Parenting is hard! Parenting alone is hard! I feel like I can't catch up to where my son is at. He's 9 going on 20, and the responsibility is on me. Right now I don't know what I'm doing.
Can I just confess that I worry that I will become one of those woman with a constant scowl on her face, with frown marks, and a constant harsh voice; one of those woman that people say-- yeah, you can really tell that she's had a hard life.
I want to be light and happy, one of those woman that brings light into a room when she enters, but right now I have to be the disciplinary. I have to be the strong independent woman... when I've honestly been okay with being the house wife, that was vulnerable, and in need of a big strong man, but today I have to wear the pants, and I'm sorry, but I'm not happy with that. Today, I'm mad at the evil in this world, and the expectations that it tries to place on me. I don't want to be defined as a 'single mom' and I know that I am so much more then that, and that God has been so good to me, but today, I just need a little extra grace, and maybe to be carried just for a little bit, and then I'll walk it out............ Promise.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
I'm sorry this time has been so difficult for you. We need to set up some aim time STAT! I love you, and I'm praying for you.
I'm sorry things have been so hard for you lately. It's hard. I know it is. It's okay to not be okay with that.
And I can understand not wanting to be defined as the single mom. I worry about that too. I know I'm more than that, but I worry that other people don't see past it.
My pastor always says that you can't fill the role of mom and dad. You can only be the best mom you can be and let God fill the void that's left. I know that Matthew's dad is still in his life (I don't know how often), but in your home, remember that you can't fill the role of a father. It takes away some of the worry. I know that it doesn't take away the fact that we still have to work twice as hard, but it's something.
Your blog and your comments bless me so much. I'm praying for you and Matthew.
(Sorry for the long comment.)
Thanks for being so real, Starr. I'm sorry its so tough right now. I know it takes twice the energy to have to be the heavy everytime Matthew needs discipline. I hate having to be the disciplinarian and I know it's tough not to be able to say, "when you're dad gets home and I tell him..."
Hang in there. I do pray that God would pour out grace and strength and that he'd give you boldness and confidence and energy to hold the line with Matthew. It's not fun to discipline them, but they need it and I know they respect us for it. Hebrews 12
I love you so much.
Sorry! I'm glad you vented. I didn'y mean to sound like I'm slapping some advice on you. I'm just struggling with consistency in discipline and parenting right now! That's why I mentioned it. I LOVE YOU!!!
Post a Comment