Can anyone relate?

Thursday Matthew was sick, and Friday I only worked 5 hours because he still was not feeling good. Then we had the weekend, and now today we are snowed in. (Please see my previous post for proof.)
My heart is to be a Mom, first and foremost. I day dream about the day that I don't have to be at a job Monday through Friday. A day when maybe I can be that Mom that has lunch with her son at school once a week, or comes and helps in the classroom. Maybe even the kind of Mom that could at least give home school a try, plant a garden, and cook a good home cooked meal at night.
God helps me everyday with the kind of Mom that I have to be right now. He is the one that gives me energy to get through my work day and then come home and take care of Matthew and our home. He is the one that gives me wisdom on how to manage the money He provides, and grace to keep on going during the hard weeks... and they do come sometimes, but then sometimes I get a taste of being 'at home'... like the last 5 days, and it totally stresses me out. I'm wondering if anyone out there can relate. I think I get stressed out because I want to make the best out of it,, and who knows.. maybe if I am 'perfect-time-managing-stay-at-home- mom' then God will grant it to me, but then I don't end up enjoying it. Someone please tell me that I'm not a complete spaz? I mean, don't get me wrong, we've really had a good time. I enjoyed actually getting to take a nap on Thursday, the house is clean, I painted a painting on Sunday, and today we walked to the park and went sledding. I guess the stress hits me when all is done, Matthew's occupied with his friends, and I don't have anything 'to do'. Man, I guess I just really need to learn to RELAX!!
I think I'll grab a book, curl up on the couch, and just chill....... and that's okay... right?

Winter Finally Hits in March

I went to church this morning with just a sweater on. When I left it was pouring down rain and then:


This weather is truly unpredictable!
It's still coming down, and looks like it's at least 3 inches right now. All the kids in the neighborhood are so excited. Unfortunately there are no sleds to be found, and the boogie boards I pulled out of the closet simply don't work as well. I'm sure the kids will figure something out.

We'll see if it all isn't melted away by tomorrow. For the kid's sake I hope not.

Just a Few Tidbits

I really should be washing my face and heading to bed, but just thought I would catch up on some blog reading and write a quick post.

The house is really quiet right now. I've been listening to my son breathing from the other room.. it makes me think of when he was a baby... it still sounds the same to me. He's such a great kid. I am completely amazed by him everyday. I am so thankful for the help the Lord gives me with him. As he's getting older it honestly seems to be getting harder, but I know God's help is always right around the corner.

On a separate note I wanted to let my blog readers know about a quiz that Natalie is doing. Jump over there and post your answers. She's touching on something that I think a lot of people can relate to. I'm excited to see where she goes with this as self image has been a real struggle for me lately.

Okay, I'm so tired that I can't think of anything else to write so I will display a random home video that truly reflects me and my sons love for animals, and my sons intense drama skills that he, unfortunately, gets from me.... we create quit a pair.






No animals were harmed in the making of this video. Promise!! The little bird learned how to fly and is in now living a very happy life somewhere.. we don't know where... but he's fine.. really..... we prayed for the little fellow!

What's been on my mind?

Here is a random list of things that have been on my mind this week:

I have really wanted to make a conscious effort to take better care of myself. I've been spending more time thinking about what I should or shouldn't eat, and how to make time for working out. I've been blessed to have some awesome friends working out with me the last week and look forward to it continuing.

I've been thinking about how blessed I am to have people in my life that care about me. I live about 12 hours away from any family members, and miss them dearly, but have to be the most blessed person in the world to have the circle of people that I have in my life. I don't know how people make it without friends!

I've been thinking of new simple ways to manage my home. I made a schedule for chores for me and Matthew for the week, and so far, it's been a success.

Matthew has been on my mind a lot this week. I've really been seeking the Lord for wisdom and grace, and the Lord has brought it to my attention in many ways that wisdom comes from His word. I've been attempting to spend more time in the word.

Thanks to my friend Lydia, I have been thinking more about how I spend my time each day; working on giving Jesus my day, everyday, and excepting His new mercies and grace every morning that I need so much.

I have been pondering over the meaning of my name... thanks to Victoria. Esther means Starr and also Hidden. I've been thinking about how the Lord does have me hidden in many ways, and how blessed I am that He sees the things in me that others don't and most of the time I don't see either. He sees the inner beauty that I have to offer, and just like Esther it will be seen by others at the opportune time and , I pray, sow a blessing into my life and the people around me. I've been thinking about how Mordecai is a lot like Jesus in that he guided Esther where she was to be, and encouraged her to do things that she never felt she could possibly do. I'm excited about the path that my 'Mordecai, Jesus, has for me.

I've also been having fun planning a trip to Cumberland Island with some of our friends. I am so excited to go somewhere new to explore! I can't wait till March!!

Right now I'm thinking that I don't know that I really like this post... it's kind of boring, and all over the place, but I'm thinking I will post it anyways, and maybe still get some loving, encouraging comments from all those great friends I have :)

Let me know what's been on your mind this week if you would like!

Progression of a Painting

Tonight I finally got some time to listen to some good music with a paint brush in my hand. I really need to make more time in my life for this.
Unfortunately I really had no ideas tonight, and just started with some cheery colors and fun strokes.
I love paint strokes and bright colors. Today was very gloomy out and even though I somewhat wanted to pull out the black I absolutely refused.
Sometimes when I paint I know what I'm feeling or what I'm going for in a painting. Most of the time I don't.
This was definitely one of those times when I simply just wanted to paint and didn't know what was going to 'happen'.
I sometimes wish I wasn't such a thinker. I'm not okay with things that don't have an explanation, but most of the time the paintings that I do just make me feel good. I can't tell you want all of them mean or give you some deep philosophical reasoning behind them. Maybe we all need a nonsense release that maybe makes no since to others or even ourselves but somehow brings praise to the Lord.


The End.

Happy Valentines Day!

Song of Solomon 4:
⁹ You have ravished my heart,
My sister, my spouse;
You have ravished my heart
With one look of your eyes,
With one link of your necklace.
¹⁰ How fair is your love,
My sister, my spouse!
How much better than wine is your love,
And the scent of your perfumes
Than all spices!
¹¹ Your lips, O my spouse,
Drip as the honeycomb;
Honey and milk are under your tongue;
And the fragrance of your garments
Is like the fragrance of Lebanon.
¹² A garden enclosed
Is my sister, my spouse,
A spring shut up,
A fountain sealed.

Thank you Jesus for the way that you love me unconditionally. Thank you for being passionate about me, and seeing the beauty in me even when I cannot. Thank you for protecting and healing my heart with your amazing love! Thank you for pursuing me, My Love!

It's Time to Get Real

It feels like it's been awhile since I've been able to keep up with posting and my blog reading. I appreciate all of those that still sneak over my way though, and miss those that don't.

Things have been rough lately. God's getting me through, but, like the title says, it's time for me to be real about some things.

- I have been using the cold winter weather as an excuse to not work out, eat like crazy, and be lazy, and am completely unhappy with the way I feel physically. I don' think I've gained any weight- thank you Jesus, but I do think I've lost muscle and any kind of tone that I could previously find, but this week is a new week. Yes it's cold outside, yes I just want to lay around doing nothing but eating, but I'm so tired of feeling this way.. so, enough is enough. I've bought myself healthy snacks, am grounding myself from any computer time until the house is cleaned, and am going to work out as soon as I get home from work everyday --- even if it kills--- which it won't. Watch out world--- Starr's coming out of hibernation..

- Another big dramatic thing: this Sunday my son became a Big Brother. My ex-husband's girlfriend had a baby. I know, Wow! Now, I've had some months to wrap my mind around this and feel everything that I thought I needed to feel, but a few new emotions have come up the last couple of days. I know that I don't want to be haveing his baby and am thankful that the Lord set me free from an unhealthy marriage, and a broken covenant, but it's still weird to me that there is this whole other 'family' that includes my son, but doesn't include me. Matthew has been so excited about his little sister, and I have been so happy for him. It's just sad to me that he has this amazing new person in his life, that he loves, that I'm not a part of. I've always been excited about the day that I get to see Matthew as a big brother; reading his sibling a book, or holding him or her, or helping him or her learn to walk, but all this is happening without me. I know that God has amazing plans for us, but right now it seems like his life with his dad is more complete, and ours is still broken. I feel the Lord working on my heart, reminding me of His promises to Me and Matthew, and laying His love upon me, but I guess somethings we just have to feel even if we don't want to. I guess it's just another weird dynamic to a split family. I am really proud of Matthew, and it has been a blessing to see the way he lights up when he talks about his little sister, and how excited he is when he gets to go and see her. I guess I do get to partake of some of Matthew stepping into this new role, it's just not what I had pictured, but again, I'm just being real.

-On a whole other topic, I'm suppose to lead a study this Thursday. It's really crazy to me how the Lord always sets these things up at the times where we feel like we have the least to offer. I guess that leaves Him getting all the glory, and us, hopefully, in the end having the testimony that He is in us, and that we know His voice. I am really praying that God would use me to be a blessing and a light right where I'm at even though it doesn't seem like the most beautiful of places, but I guess He is the Master of turning something not so good into something amazing--- at least that's what I've seen Him do in me!

Well, sorry for the crazy jumble post, but it's all I've got in me tonight.
May God richly bless you, and meet with you right where you are at!